After 11 years...

Today is the day I have dreaded for the last 11 years.  The day that I sit at home...alone...with nothing but quiet...and I am sad. 

Last Monday the big kids started school.  Charlie is in 5th grade, Addie in 4th, and Shelby Jean is in 1st grade.   They were excited to get back...to see their friends and to learn(well everyone but Charlie...he loathes learning).  Jesse had another week at home before his Pre-K started.

We spent last week doing fun stuff...spending good time snuggling on the couch...feeding ducks at the pond...playing with blocks.  It was a glorious week that I didn't want to end.  We sat yesterday at the duck pond and I cried...big ol' tears, and Jesse asked me what was wrong.  I just answered him "Mommy is gonna miss hanging out with you".  Little did I know...

We got up early this morning.  Spiked his little hair just so...got his lunchbox out...put his backpack on him and we headed out.  He was excited as we pulled in the parking lot...even telling me he didn't need me to walk him to his class.  We took a few more pictures and then made the walk down to Mrs. Jill's class.  He did great putting his things up and then I felt it...the death grip on my legs.  He had started to panic a little and I leaned down and he said what I didn't want to hear..."Don't leave me here mommy...please take me home".  I held it together for him and told him he was going to love it...that it would be so much fun.  He looked at me...so scared that I wanted to scoop him up...grab that Avengers back pack and go home.  I looked at his teacher and said "I'm leaving...he's going to cry".  And he did.

I walked out the door and around the corner and I laid my head back on the wall and just cried.  I could hear him saying "I want my Mommy" and I began to pray for him.  That God would calm his heart, that God would send him comfort, that he would have fun and love school...and that he would stop crying.  A mom that I don't know walked by and without a word patted me on my shoulder. I kept praying as I heard his little cry...and then God answered my prayers.  A dear friend of mine...a teacher at the school (she actually taught my other kids in pre-K and this year moved to a different position) and a fellow pastor's wife saw me crying.  She walked down to me to see how I was and I just looked at her with tears and mascara streaming down my face and said "he's crying".  She walked in that class and hugged on my baby...told him it was going to be ok, that mommy was going home to do a few things and would be back to pick him up.  She promised him that she would come back and check on him and he quit crying.  She came out and reassured me and told me she would keep checking on him.  I turned and walked out and cried all the way to my car.  I cried in the parking lot as my husband hugged me and I quietly prayed for my sweet little man, that he would love school.

My heart is broken this morning...if I'm being honest, I'm a little lost.  I don't know what to do with myself.  There are no cartoons on...no noise...no toys being thrown around.  Where do I go from here?  All I ever wanted in life was to be a stay at home mom and now they are all in school.  I just love my kids and being there mom(don't get me wrong they can drive me nuts).  I know most moms would say...freedom, but some reason I don't feel free at all.  I am praying this morning that God would just surround this broken girl...that He would redirect me and show me His purpose for me...that His Word would bring me encouragement....that my little boy would feel safe.  Thankful for a God that cares about this broken Momma's heart...and identifies with my pain...He is good...good indeed.

For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations".  Psalm 100:5